This is your life

Six years...

Six years ago, I knew almost none of the people that I befriended while I was on here. I was in high school. I was single. I was an emotional nightmare. I almost find it hard to believe. If I hadn't written about it all, I probably wouldn't remember half the stuff that happened.

I've met a ton of great people while I was on here. Best friends like Angela, Chris, Allie, Bri, and Karen. Close ones like Jo, Kayleigh, and Sophie. Acquaintances like Raven, Stephanie, Jaymee, and Nani. I've made enemies. And I've met many more people, some I don't feel the need to mention and some I can't even remember. Each person had an effect on me in some way, if only at that time.

I loved all of these people at some point. Some of them I still love today, and hopefully always will. Most I lost track of. I tried my best to stay in contact with everyone, but some things just don't work out. At the very least I'm grateful that I got to experience their friendship, if only for a short time.

What I've gone through in six years is both an incredible blur...

I dealt with depression, some of it serious, some of it tolerable, and overcame it.

I struggled through high school but managed to move on to college.

I've met a ridiculous amount of people.

I fell in love, had my heart broken, and recovered more times than I can count.

Most importantly, I met the love of my life, Angela, and got engaged to her.

It's strange, but we first spoke just after I made this thing. We broke up, went on and off together, and have been close again for over two years. When we finally met in person, four years after we initially intended, I knew she was the one. Even after all this time I still feel excited to be around her. It never gets old to read a text from her, hear her voice, touch her, kiss her. I have always and will always love her, and no matter what happens I am hers for eternity.

It wasn't an easy road, but I'm glad that I made the choices I did. Everything turned out alright in the end. I'm happy that I literally have the ability to look back on this portion of my life. This site holds so many fond memories for me. It holds the best and worst moments of my last six years, and I always want to be able to read about them.

I guess that's it. Been fun, very fun, using livejournal. Making this was one of my greatest decisions. I'll never forget it.

And... I'm out.

I was reading some old entries, particularly from July and August 2005, when I went through a massive breakdown after Allie left me and I then made my most pathetic entries ever. Brought back a lot of emotions, a mixture of anger, confusion, sadness, and curiously enough some amusement. I spent much of the time going "Wooooooow, what the hell was wrong with me?" It got me thinking.

It's strange, but I remember that time so well. I labeled myself as suicidal, but looking back I don't think that was correct. Maybe I believed dying would solve my problems, but I think what I really wanted was to disappear. The funny part is that if I said that nothing bad would have come of it. No one would have raged at me for wanting to abandon my life as I knew it so that I could do something different for a while. Instead, I chose a terribly emotional path that made me lose what little respect I had received from some people, and it made others hate me completely.

That doesn't mean I believe I was wrong. It's my opinion that regardless of how attention seeking and uncaring someone may seem, you should always try and help them. Nevertheless, I could have handled it better. So much better, in fact. That original entry I made is my single biggest regret when it comes to this site.

While reading those entries brings back a lot of emotions, it also makes me remember how I felt about those people. I can clearly recall thinking Chris was such an ass but that I very much missed his friendship. I remember missing Allie like crazy and being tormented over how much she appeared to hate me at that time. I remember my growing interest in Bri and how much it hurt that she had momentarily turned against me. Reading Raven's comments, I can still feel that mixture of anger and relief over the way she calmly presented her opinion, even if I didn't like it. And I especially recall how grateful I felt that people like Sophie, Kayleigh, Karen, and Jo stood up for me even when it was obvious that I was being a selfish jerk, albeit one who had a good reason to be upset.

But I'm back in the now at the moment. Over the years my life has slowly gone from being completely online oriented to almost totally focused on the real world. On nights like tonight, I realize how much I miss everyone I used to speak with. All those close friends I used to have. I have Bri and Allie on facebook, but our interactions are minimal. Raven and I were never close, but I heard from her recently and it was great just to see someone from the past, and to find out that there were no hard feelings between us. I haven't spoken to Chris in years, and I hate how things ended for us. Sophie stopped talking to me abruptly five years ago, and though we've spoken a few times since, we've never found the need to become close once again. And Kayleigh, Karen, and Jo all just disappeared over the years.

Things change. People change. I'm not the selfish, moody, pathetic teenager I was when I started this thing. I got over sharing my every feeling a long time ago, and I think that was for the best. I do sometimes miss it though, how things were back then. It's not how I was that I miss, but the people that I used to know, and the ones I still know but don't speak to nearly as much as I should.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know I was a jackass back then, and I'm sorry for it. And while I may always feel like I didn't deserve some of the consequences that came my way, I will say that I'm glad I had a group of people that cared enough to speak their mind and stick by my side. Thank you all.

I think I'll be finishing up this journal come November 5th. You know, end it on the day I started it.

I've had a good run, but after the first couple years I just didn't have the motivation to make regular updates. It's not as fun when all your friends are gone. I feel odd just thinking of all the people I've met while on here, and how they're no longer around. But more on that in a couple months.

Had a great summer. Spent six weeks with Angela, three in West Virginia, three back in Michigan. Had an amazing time. Maybe I napped too much, or maybe I forced her to watch me play HoN too often, but I think she was okay with it. What's important is that we're still together. We've known each other for nearly six years, dated a couple of those on and off, and now we're engaged and eagerly anticipating the future. Time is going by slowly, but before I know it we'll be living together. I've never wanted something so badly, and I can only hope that she feels the same way.

That's about it. Facing a lot of stress right now, but I won't go into it. Basically just need to focus on my health, school, and Angela. If I can do that, everything will be okay. I'm sure of it.

Time is flying by right now. Honestly, I can't believe it's been over three months since Angela left Michigan, or that it's been nearly six weeks since I saw her in Morgantown. The semester is winding down quickly, probably because I've hardly gone to class, but I really don't care anymore. I just want to take my finals, see my mediocre grades, and spend four months playing tennis and spending my time with Angela.

The last month has been odd for me. I had a really bad emotional breakdown. I was just feeling confused over school and my relationship with my friends, family, and Angela. I felt totally lost. But it passed pretty quickly. I feel good now, generally. Some nights where I wonder about things, but mostly okay. It could be a lot worse.

I guess that I just wanted to do a quick update. And while I'm here, I should mention that the Black Eyed Peas are amazing. Don't care what anyone says about them. They make some of the catchiest, most uplifting music I've ever heard. I lurve them. They make me feel good, and that's what is important to me.

Time to finish my homework and sleep. I'm reading Lolita. It's weird as hell. I hope I get through it without going insane.

I went and "surprised" Angela this weekend. That's in quotations because I got there and a huge blizzard hit the mountains between her house and her school, so we couldn't go the day we planned. Her parents felt she was getting depressed about not getting to come home, so I talked to her and blew my cover. But it was so worth it anyway.

We got about... 28 hours together, from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon. We spent a while out and about, checking out her school, going shopping, killing time while our motel room got set up. Then we went back and watched some Tv and laid in bed, got some Pizza Hut delivered, and watched some more stuff. It's amazing how something like laying around and doing nothing is made so much fun just by being around her.

February 28th marked one year since I asked her out again. It's a big moment, I think. I know we're engaged and all, but it still feels nice to hit that point. It's a first for her too. I was glad I could be there for it, and since I most likely won't do this again, it'll be the only anniversary we get to celebrate together for a while.

Also, I should mention that her Mom was really nice, putting up with me being my usual somewhat lazy self and paying for everything even though I offered her some money. And I also want to say that trains, while comfortable, are very dull. 22.5 hours on a train, and I was awake for 20 hours, mostly in the dark. So, so boring.

Anyway, I had a great time. One day might not sound like much, but it was worth every penny and every second spent to get to her. I am a very lucky person to have Angela.

Now it's time to sleep. God, how I need it. Goodnight.

Angela rushed off tonight. Wouldn't bother me if it wasn't so out of character. You can expect me to do that sort of thing, since I always leave homework for late at night or my friends are bugging me to do something, but it's very unlike her. She honestly couldn't have left any faster than she did. I wanted to ask if something was wrong but didn't, instantly regretted it, and ended up texting her. She didn't bother to reply. So I guess I get to spend the next two days worrying, since we aren't talking tomorrow. Great.

It's probably nothing, but I still wish I had someone to talk to about it. Bri and Anna are ignoring me, and they're the only two I really have to speak to on these topics. What I would give for someone reliable to talk to concerning my relationship, and maybe someone to go over with about things I'm afraid to tell Angela. It's not as if I don't have friends. I do, and they're good people, better than I give them credit for most of the time. I just can't imagine sharing this sort of stuff with them, you know?

So I'm in a bad mood and I have to spend like forever studying over the next 24 hours. Oh, and I have an appointment tomorrow, and I have to do normal things like shower and eat, so I'm not even sure how I'm going to fit this all in.

I can't wait for break. Two more days and I can just relax for a week...

I forgot how awesome she was. I miss her so much. I hope that I never lose her. She is the world to me.

I love you, Angela. I promise I will marry you, and never leave you. Ever. You are the best.

One, two, three, four!

Hey, hey
Forever
Hey, hey
Forever

It's you, and me
Moving at the speed of light into eternity, yeah
Tonight is the night
You join me in the middle of ecstasy
Feel the melody in the rhythm of the music
Around you, around you

I'ma take you there
I'ma take you there
So don't be scared
I'm right here, baby
We can go anywhere, go anywhere
But first, it's your chance
Take my hand come with me

It's like I've waited my whole life
For this one night
It's gonna be me, you and the dance floor
Cause we've only got one night (one night)
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (forever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever on the dance floor

Feels like we're on another level
Feels like our love's intertwined
We can be two rebels
Breaking the rules
Me and you, you and I
All you got to do is watch me
Look what I can do with my feet
Baby, feel the beat inside
I'm driving, you can take the front seat
Just need you to trust me
Girl, girl, girl

It's like I've waited my whole life
For this one night
It's gonna be me, you and the dance floor
Cause we've only got one night (one night)
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (forever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever on the dance floor

It's a long way down
We're so high off the ground
Sending for an angel to bring me your heart
Girl, where did you come from?
Got me so undone
Gazing in your eyes, got me singing what a beautiful lady
No "ifs", "ands", or "maybes"
I'm releasing my heart and it's feeling amazing
There's no one else that matters
You love me
And I won't let you fall, girl
Let you fall, girl, fall
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Yeah, yeah
I won't let you fall, let you fall
Let you fall
Oh, oh
Yeah, yeah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Yeah, yeah

It's like!

It's like I've waited my whole life
For this one night
It's gonna be me, you and the dance floor
Cause we've only got one night (one night)
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
And dance
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (forever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever (ever, ever)
Forever on the dance floor

Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Yeah
Forever (ever, ever, ever, ever)
Forever, ever, ah...

It's amazing how twelve days can seemingly go by in an instant.

Angela came and went. On the 27th, I went and picked her up. For the record, I love airports, and I love being there to get her. That first moment seeing her is always good. And it was awesome how things just seemed to be great between us right off the bat. Started to hold hands almost right away, and the conversation just flowed.

Things went very well without us really doing anything. Our routine was to get up around ten, laze around until she showered while I played a game, sometimes taking a shower right after her, playing games and watching Tv until dinner, eating, then watching DVDs at night until bed, and I won't say what happened after that except that we usually went to sleep around two. Rinse and repeat. It may sound dull, but it was really fun. Just being around her is the best.

We have such an odd relationship. It's playfully abusive. Insults and little pushes and shoves are tossed out casually, with neither of us really getting offended. I don't know why that is, but we take what many would find mean and unusual in stride, as if it's normal. I so love it.

We did do a little though. We went shopping here and there, at three malls. She got to see Somerset, the massive three story, two building (connected by a walkway) mall, and we went to Partridge Creek and Lakeside again. For food, we went out a lot, though less than last time. Some fast food here and there, but we also went to Kruse and Muer, Charley's Crab, Bangkok Cuisine, and Macaroni Grill. Her birthday was the fanciest one at Charley's, where we spent $72 on two meals with no appetizers or drinks, though I did get soup. I liked that we were less silent at dinner than last time. We talked a lot more.

Also... I asked her to marry me. A month ago I had a bit of a crisis over that. I had been agonizing over what to do for a while and something just made me decide I couldn't ask her. But then, very suddenly, things changed, and I knew I had to have her. I got to thinking and I just knew I wanted her forever, and when she got here and I was around her again it was a no brainer. So on her birthday, shortly after half past ten, I told her I loved her and I wanted to spend my life with her, got on one knee, and asked. She said yes in a heartbeat. It was perfect.

Now she's gone though. On the plane right now probably. It's been... difficult. I know it gets easy and quite tolerable, but this is the hardest part. I was driving home and that familiar feeling came back, that wrongness of being without her. But you know what? I always want to feel that way after she goes. I never want to lose that feeling. It makes me realize how much she truly means to me.

This trip was amazing. She's amazing. I couldn't be happier to be with her, and I can't wait to see her again.

The day is finally here. In sixteen hours, we'll finally be together.

This really means a lot to me. You know, I met Allie, and found out less than a half day later I most likely would never see her again. Then I met Anna, and that seemed like a sure thing for a while, but it didn't work out. With Angela, I was worried the same thing would happen. But then I went there after a week and a half, and we quickly planned another meeting. It's been a long five-plus months, but I finally get to see her again.

I feel really good. I went through a span in late October through early December where I was very paranoid and insecure about my relationship with her, which culminated with me panicking and backing out of something we had planned months earlier. I feel much better now. Some things happened, and I spent a bit of time reevaluating my life, and now things feel right.

Right now, I don't think anything could get me down. I just wish it was later in the day. This wait is brutal.

On another note, Christmas was nice. I was sick Christmas Eve and spent much of it in bed, but I felt better on Christmas Day. I got some good gifts. Lots of books and a couple Barnes and Noble cards, so I'll be reading a lot next year. I didn't really get anything huge, but my Mom did get me a pretty nice picture from Gillian's wedding with us cousins together. All in all, a solid Christmas with no problems. I hope everything went smoothly for everyone else too.

My only complaint at the moment is that I fell asleep shortly after midnight and woke up three hours later. That's been my curse this week. Sleep three or four hours and wake up wide awake. Looks like I'll be napping later today. I'd like to stay up late the first night with Angela, and there's no way that's happening on three hours of sleep.

Oh, and since I really won't be on here for some New Year's post, I'll say that 2009 was great. The first couple months were up and down, and November could have been better, but the other nine months were awesome, and I can't think of a better way to close out a year than by spending it with Angela. It's going to be great.

And I'm off to wait. This is going to be awesome...

I can't even explain it all. I doubt it would make sense if I tried.

Anyway...

I'm done with this semester.

Christmas is coming.

I think I know what I want now.

A certain something worked out surprisingly well.

And Angela is coming in two weeks.

Now for a month of relaxation. I definitely need it.